Day 2: The Gift of Self-Awareness

Meditation

 I am getting the hang of this meditation thing.  Today it was about watching a mental movie about my past, the good, the bad, and the ugly. It was viewing it from a different perspective though, one of no judgment. The personal feelings are taken away because it was to be seen as if I were watching a movie, not casting judgment on my life.  It was surprisingly freeing, which was the objective and the soul food for the day. In the meditation, Debbie instructed to pick 3 words that would put meaning or define the past.  I chose stepping stone, learn, growth. That in itself is freeing to see the past as a stepping stone to the future.

Cleansing Ritual

 Something jumped out at me on today’s cleansing ritual. It is the task of writing what keeps me stuck. A visual popped in my head, quicksand and then another, an army of toy soldiers just dog piling on top of me keeping me down. Yet, I know that the quicksand and the soldiers are really just me, my fears and lack of confidence, worthiness.  I have this insane unspoken (until now) feeling that if I am not the best at something then it or for that matter me is not good enough. No logic or Kristen logic again at its finest taking hold of my life. For example, my books - I have had many people tell me I should write my ideas and recipes and have them published, that I am talented. I have written quite a few books actually yet tucked away in my computer they stay for fear that they just aren’t the best. Good enough, yes. I have been hired to cater for events before, planned weddings, you name it.  Again, I have been repeatedly urged to start my own catering company, wedding consultant business and so on. What is sad about this, is this stuff mentioned above is exactly what I want.  I know that no one is ever really the best.  There is always some one or some thing better. Besides that, who’s to say what constitutes the best anyway? It is all personal opinion and there is plenty of room for lots of greats. 

On the flip side, I can look positively on my past and see the creativity that flows and dominates my life and my world from dance to cooking to teaching to crafting.  It is who I am.  I think my purpose in life is to touch people using my talents. Maybe.

I can also see that what I have called failures are really successes; that I succeeded in some of my dreams and ambitions. Just because they came to an end, does not mean it was a failure entirely.  I got there, completed my goal. The books just closed on those chapters when I wasn't ready for them to.

Soulful Action

My outer goal today is to compile my financial binder with the following sections:

1. budget
2. life insurance
3. financial goals and research
4. information on starting a portfolio, and
5. information on college savings for kids

My inner goal today is to remind myself of the soul food of the day whenever I feel the doubt and negativity take over. I will say it in my head or even out loud. I will not be derailed today!

 Debbie’s soul food for the day:

Self awareness is my key to freedom

Tommorrow is the gift of release. I am super excited for this one!