Day 1: The Gift of Desire Complete

Meditation

Wow! I did the 8 minute meditation.  Holy smokes. If I had any idea meditation can do that I would have taken it up when I was like 5 or something.  I was guided to see my wisest self in my mind and let her become my guide through the next 3 weeks. I have to say I love the image that popped in my head.  Anyway, after the guided meditation I felt clearer, cleaner like my body opened up somehow.  I use to see a holistic chiropractor of sorts and he would put his hands in front of me, not touching any part of me, but at where my energy stopped radiating outward. I remember he would say that I had strong energy.  That is what this is like – my energy breaking through my pores. I have that relaxed feeling you get after a massage.  This was 8 minutes, without the perfect environment mind you (my 3 year old son playing computer games just across from me) and it didn’t cost a dime. 

Cleansing Ritual

If I had to put a label on all my problems, issues, doubts, and concerns it would say inability to focus. I live chaotic I guess you could say.  Anyone who knows me always councils me that I take on too much.  The thing is I like being busy and I have a multitude of interests and passions. It’s just that I don’t stick to boundaries. If I am hosting a party and happen to be ahead of schedule, in Kristen speak that means I have more time to add more things to the event yippee! I write but in the middle get inspired for another idea and then bounce back and forth until I have way too many irons in the fire or whatever the saying is.  My entire life is that way. It affects my schedule, home, organization, creative outlets, cooking, just plain everything. I have too many ideas that I waste countless time trying to decide on one. Then, never being satisfied the process starts all over.  My outer goal is FOCUS. 

My inner goal, the one that stems from the outer goal being accomplished is the feeling of balance. Oh how I long for that. I constantly feel as though I am teetering back and forth flailing my arms just to prevent myself from falling off. And then I feel guilty all the time for wanting something more or not being satisfied and content and of course for my laundry list of shortcomings and repeated screw ups.  What’s worse is I have no idea of how to achieve it; balance that is.  It seems as though when I take one step forward something happens or is said and I am set back 2 steps. So instead of moving forward I am in this continuous downhill slide. 

No one gets the best of me. I know that and yet I wonder how anyone can put me on a pedestal and appreciate me as they do. That makes me feel guilty, undeserving.  I am 37 years old and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life wishing and wanting for more.   I know if I could reach balance somehow or even get close, everyone and everything would gain from that too.

Balance of what right? Well, there just has to be room and a way to be organized, timely, spend time with my husband, my kids, my family as a whole, my outer family, my friends, doing work at the school, volunteering, exercising and dancing how I would love that, cooking my way for the joy of it, writing, bringing in money, making something of myself, traveling, experiencing life.  I want life to be a wild ride that I control as much as possible not one that controls me because of an inability to focus. 

Soulful Action

My outer goal today is to complete a preschool schedule for the remainder of the year. This is one thing that is super duper hard for me! It is always a domino effect of ideas.  FOCUS, FOCUS, FOCUS

My inner goal today is to do yoga or pilates. A feeling of balance, even if temporary, is always the result after one of those classes.

 Debbie’s soul food for the day:

I am worthy of living my heart’s desires

Tommorrow's topic is entitled: The Gift of Self-Awareness. Sounds scary.